My coping method #1

Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. It’s so frustrating to be feeling so many emotions and not be able to express them with words. I say I love you and I miss you as if that explains how I’m feeling. But it doesn't  It doesn't express how I feel like I’m drowning. Like the weight of the world is crushing down on me and I just can’t get a breath of air. I try to fight my way to the surface but if just feels like I’m giving it everything I have and I’m just not getting any closer. It’s just that I’m so tired…

I’m tired of doing it on my own. I don’t blame you and I know if you could you would be here to help me. But I’m tired. I’m tired of making this sacrifice. I know there’s a really good reason that we’re doing this.  The main reasons are sleeping peacefully on the couch right now. But I’m tired of you missing them growing up. I’m tired of you missing the special moments that you only get to experience once. I’m tired of watching our toddler cry cause he misses his daddy. I’m tired of trying to explain it to him even when I know he can’t understand why you’re gone.

I’m tired of sleeping in bed alone…well until both our boys end up in it. Even still it feels too big. I’m tired of missing you, of missing reaching over and touching you in the middle of the night, or just so I could fall asleep. I miss cuddling with you, until you would start to snore. I miss making love to you when we could stay awake long enough. I’m tired of waking up looking for you and feeling that same horrible feeling every morning where I realize you’re gone and won’t be home for a long time.

I’m tired of you being gone. I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired because without you here I just can’t relax and I won’t be able to until I’m in your arms again. I’ll be tired until you are home and I can breathe again.