My coping method #1

Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. It’s so frustrating to be feeling so many emotions and not be able to express them with words. I say I love you and I miss you as if that explains how I’m feeling. But it doesn't  It doesn't express how I feel like I’m drowning. Like the weight of the world is crushing down on me and I just can’t get a breath of air. I try to fight my way to the surface but if just feels like I’m giving it everything I have and I’m just not getting any closer. It’s just that I’m so tired…

I’m tired of doing it on my own. I don’t blame you and I know if you could you would be here to help me. But I’m tired. I’m tired of making this sacrifice. I know there’s a really good reason that we’re doing this.  The main reasons are sleeping peacefully on the couch right now. But I’m tired of you missing them growing up. I’m tired of you missing the special moments that you only get to experience once. I’m tired of watching our toddler cry cause he misses his daddy. I’m tired of trying to explain it to him even when I know he can’t understand why you’re gone.

I’m tired of sleeping in bed alone…well until both our boys end up in it. Even still it feels too big. I’m tired of missing you, of missing reaching over and touching you in the middle of the night, or just so I could fall asleep. I miss cuddling with you, until you would start to snore. I miss making love to you when we could stay awake long enough. I’m tired of waking up looking for you and feeling that same horrible feeling every morning where I realize you’re gone and won’t be home for a long time.

I’m tired of you being gone. I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired because without you here I just can’t relax and I won’t be able to until I’m in your arms again. I’ll be tired until you are home and I can breathe again. 

Finding your coping method

People say that in order to deal with a deployment you just have to stay busy. Well you know what I say…sometimes you can be in the midst of being “busy” and still be just as miserable as ever. I say you need to find ways to deal with the circumstances and help make you into the best person you can be. Because when we’re forced to deal with so much on our own and we’re missing the best half of ourselves, we tend to not be the best version of ourselves.

I have found that I am not as good of a parent or as good of a person without my husband home. There is some epic truth in the cheesy line from the movies, “you make me a better man” but my spouse has made me a better person. But without him here I struggle. So finding ways to help you deal with the frustration, the anger, the loneliness, and worst of all, the fear, can help you get through it.

For me dealing with a lot of the frustration is worked out through walking…a lot. I picture myself how I want to look and I imagine myself looking like that as I jump into his arms when he comes home. That helps motivate me as I push myself to keep walking. To help deal with the other mess of emotions I face, I write.

I haven’t written in years. 

I used to write a lot and I used to write really well. But I pulled from my feelings of inadequacy and fear of never finding someone who would love me. When I did find that amazing someone, I had trouble writing. Negative feelings apparently make better muses for writing. So find things that you enjoy that can help you deal with this deployment. Cause sometimes that’s all you can do, you can’t be happy or positive about it, all you can do is just deal.

Whatever you do, don’t be afraid of being honest. I mean you need to be strong for your spouse…he’s got a lot to deal with too and worrying about whether or not you can hack it is not helpful to him especially if it’s all the time. Everyone is different so only you and your hubby can find ways to deal with the deployment and what you can or can’t talk about it. But if your hubby can’t deal with it then find someone that you can talk to. Cause you can’t bottle it all up, you've got to find a way to let go.

Make some goals!! Start a list and give yourself something to be passionately focused on and something you can do for your soldier. That way when the pain, the anger and the loneliness is gone you don’t regret the time you wasted pining for your soldier. Do something productive that way you have something to be proud of besides surviving the deployment. Do more than survive… conquer.